帮我看看这篇 雅思作文 .顺便我改改,打个分.今年4月12号就要考雅思了,第二次考,自己要求6分以上,这是我练的一篇雅思作文.希望各位牛牛们帮我看看,指出不足之处,顺便给个分数.Some people thi

帮我看看这篇 雅思作文 .顺便我改改,打个分.今年4月12号就要考雅思了,第二次考,自己要求6分以上,这是我练的一篇雅思作文.希望各位牛牛们帮我看看,指出不足之处,顺便给个分数.Some people thi
帮我看看这篇 雅思作文 .顺便我改改,打个分.
今年4月12号就要考雅思了,第二次考,自己要求6分以上,这是我练的一篇雅思作文.希望各位牛牛们帮我看看,指出不足之处,顺便给个分数.
Some people think the government should spend more money on public services other than waste money on arts (music or painting).To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays,many people argue against the government allocating money to public services outweigh investing in arts.Actually,public services and arts have improved the quality of our lives and play an important role in our daily life.However,it also creates some problems as well.
On the one hand,there are two advantages of public services such as schools and hospitals.First of all,school is one of the most important public services and it can solve the problems of education.Therefore,it can promote population quality.This point can be confirmed by the example of the number of schools in some developed countries.Secondly,while some people get sick.Only hospital can cure them.Thus,hospitals are necessary for the citizens.From what has been discussed above,it seems we may draw the conclusion that the government should allocate more money to public services other than invest in arts.
But on the other hand,arts have its advantages,too.For one thing,the arts sometimes are the same important as public services,and because of this,after a whole week’s hardworking,people can enjoy a wonderful musical event in the music hall.For another,as some citizens can cultivate their taste in the gallery,the gallery can let them relax themselves.Therefore,there is necessary that more structures of art have been built in terms of modern society.
So as shown above,I agree that we can not live without public services for the conveniences it brings to us.However,I am convinced that arts are necessary and affects it creates on the modern life,and that I do not agree the government should allocated money to public services outweigh invest in arts.

帮我看看这篇 雅思作文 .顺便我改改,打个分.今年4月12号就要考雅思了,第二次考,自己要求6分以上,这是我练的一篇雅思作文.希望各位牛牛们帮我看看,指出不足之处,顺便给个分数.Some people thi
开头段第一句与第二句换一下位置,先说背景再说题目的观点.然后明确自己的观点,是支持还是不支持.
第二段开头加总起句,不要用优缺点这种句子,通常都是比较同一样事物才写优缺点的.例子需要更加详细.
句型比较简单,譬如第二段第一句的there be,第二句和第三句可以写成一个句子.有些句子逻辑有问题,e.g.the gallery can let them relax themselves.
总结段写得不清楚,没有写明白不应该投资更多钱的原因.
关于分数,我觉得5分或者5.5吧.